Beating a Dead Horse

I've been avoiding blogging this week. The biggest thing on my mind is my mom, and I feel like writing about it more is beating a dead horse. But I'm really frustrated over the whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, it's a stock photo...couldn't find a better one.

I've been reflecting on some memories lately. There is the one that I can't share the details of, where my mom was just a door away. There was another instance when I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when I was around 10 or 11 years old. He was in there, sitting at the back door with a mirror placed on the floor. He was masturbating and needed the mirror to see if anyone walked into the room. I think Mom had been napping, because I remember her shuffling into the kitchen and seeming a bit groggy as if though she had just woken up. She saw my step-dad, and as she walked over to him, he put himself away. She looked over his shoulder suspiciously.

If she was feeling suspicious, wouldn't that be a huge red flag? I can't help but feel like she knew exactly what was going on, but made the decision to push it away, and justified it because she hadn't actually caught him in the act...kind of. He had this all figured out, and had no real fear of being caught. The abuse couldn't be out in open, because she would then be forced to deal with it. But if she was careful not to see it and not to hear it, she could easily pretend nothing was happening.

I don't think this was all done on a completely conscious level, but I do think she was trying to protect herself, feeling like she could not handle the reality of the situation. Even though I can see that as a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean I'm able to come to terms with it. In reality, she neglected her her duty to protect me and my sisters. 

I'm not trying to be cold, and I'm not trying to make her out to be the villian. Clearly, my step-dad was the villian. But she doesn't exactly fit in the innocent bystander role either.

I could much more easily come to terms with this if she could. She is still protecting herself when I really need a heaping helping of reality. I'm trying so hard to face my past and work through it. I really need her on board with this but she is unwilling.

It breaks my heart that she can't do this for me.

And I don't think she ever will. I'm going to have to come to terms with this on my own, but right now I can't do it. I worry that it is going to take some time for me to get there, because I can't have a relationship with her unless we're going to be 100% honest. I worry that my actions are hurting her, but at the same time, I am very hurt by hers.

I'm not trying to dwell on this, but I'm really having a hard time with it...

If you're interested, I came across this outline that discusses daughters being abused by step-fathers from a family systems point of view. Very interesting and relevant. I'd recommend giving it a look if you want to understand this a bit more. 

On a side note, "Somethings Gotta Give" was on this morning. My sister and I have long realized that Jack Nicholson looks like my step-dad. 

This expression was particularly
frightening...and drunk.

Normally, I can watch his movies and it doesn't really bother me. ("The Shining" has always shaken me up a bit though.) Now that I'm more open and in touch with how I'm feeling (the doors are open), it's harder to push it all aside. I was watching him trying to court Helen Hunt's character, and kept wondering what this single mom could possibly see him. How could she marry him and bring him into her life and the life of her child? It stirred up some interesting feelings - obviously wondering what my mom saw in my step-dad in the first place. 

Anyway, there you have it. Thanks for reading.

Rachel

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