Mom

I'm not talking to my mom at this time. I chose to do this for my own emotional health. My only condition for opening up the lines of communication again was that she seek therapy for her own issues. 

At this time, she insists that she does not need therapy at all, has no issues to deal with, that it would be a waste of time, and that my efforts were emotional blackmail. It really hurts me that all I'm asking is the one small thing from her, and she is unwilling to do it out of pure stubbornness. She really has nothing to lose from this and everything to gain. I realize that therapy is can be a frightening thing. You are forced to face things that are sometimes more comfortable kept locked away. I completely understand that because I've been there. However, if you truly believe you don't need therapy at all, then what is there to be afraid of?

She has also said she is hurt by my claim that she knew the sexual abuse was going on. I stand by this, not that it was happening right in front of her eyes, but that she chose to ignore every red flag. There was actually a point where my sister had figured out what was happening. She told my mom that there was something very wrong going on and my mom said she would ask me about it. She never once came out and actually asked if anything like that was going on. When my sister later asked her about it, she said that I had said nothing was going on. For the record, that is what I would have said at that time. I was terrified to tell the truth. My teacher and bell choir director in high school once sat me down and said she knew something was going on and that I could talk to her about it. I became a bit defensive and said there was nothing. But I'm certain she knew I was lying. My mom had to know on some level as well, but chose to ignore it. I'm not going to apologize for taking issue with that. All things concerned, I really don't think I'm asking for much. 

Ever see this show? The Nazi guard chose to ignore all the signs that the prisoners were trying to escape, even though it was right in front of his face.  "I see nothing, I know nothing!!"

My mom did some therapy for a short time back when all this drama came out. She says she worked through everything then, but as one of the people who is a witness to her behavior, I can assure you that she has not. 

I have been considering reconciling because I fear she will never change, and I just need to learn to accept her the way she is. But then when I really take some time to think again about all the reasons I am doing this, I just get angry. 

I do NOT intend for this to go on forever. I miss my mom. I miss sending her a text message to tell her I saw the first snow of the season. I miss chatting about our favorite contestants on American Idol. But at the same time, I never allowed myself to come out and be honest about how I felt. That's my own fault. I was always afraid that she wouldn't understand and that her feelings would just get hurt. I don't want things to be like that. I need to able to have an open and honest relationship. 

My mom has made comments in response to this situation like "It's breaks my heart that I will never see my grandchildren". The only reason that would happen is by her own choice. This is in her hands. Maybe I misunderstand the maternal connection since I'm not a mother myself, but wouldn't a mom be willing to do this one thing if that's all it took to restore her relationship with her daughter?

I'm really open to your input on this, even if I may disagree. Thanks for reading!

Rachel

Be a Fan