My mom found my blog. I don't know how, but it doesn't really matter. It's not like it was hidden in any way.
Apparently, the only post she read was "Mom". I got text from her exclaiming that she never knew anything and that she had been looking for an excuse to leave him for years.
I don't even know where to start. I have poured my heart and soul into this blog. I have shared exactly how I am dealing with everything. In the past, I have not shared with her how I felt about things like this, mostly because I felt like she couldn't handle it.
Now that she's had the chance to see it, she had nothing to say other than to defend herself.
I need the support of my readers. I need it from my friends and even from the strangers that have found it. Even though I'm getting all of that, what I need most is the support of my mother. I just do not feel like I am getting it.
The crazy thing is, when she first left him, all she could about was how great life was now and how different things were. That completely contradicts her statement about looking for an excuse for years. That doesn't even make sense to me. If you're looking for an excuse, clearly, something is already wrong.
I know this is going to sound dramatic, but I often feel like an orphan. I never knew Bio Dad, my stepdad was not fatherly, and my mom is unable to be there for me.
I really have trouble finding the words to discuss this, other than to say I'm very frustrated. I'm really trying to get to a place where I don't expect anything from her so that I can just accept her as she is, but I am just not there yet.
Ugh. That's all I've got for now.
Rachel
Let me tell you something I firmly believe. This does not seem to be a popular concept with most people. Evidently, it goes against what the majority of people are raised to believe.
ReplyDeleteThe only unconditional love that exists is that of a parent for their child. Full stop. Every other relationship built on love is also built on conditions, and that includes that of a child's love for the parent. My mother always used to tell me, "It's my job to raise you, love you, and keep you safe. If you grow up to be a successful, happy adult, I've done my job. If you grow up to love me back and want me in your life, that's just a bonus."
Parents must earn their child's love and respect, and squeezing out a baby, feeding it, and allowing it to take up space in their home does NOT fulfill that requirement.
I really hate when I see people struggling with feeling obligated to love their parents regardless of what they've done (or haven't done). I think parents are so fond of this notion because it completely absolves them of taking responsibility for the quality of their parenting. I want my children to love me because I am a person deserving of their love. I want my children to respect me because I am someone they admire. I would NEVER want them to feel obligated to love me or treat me with respect I have not earned.
Maybe I'm just an incredibly callous individual, but letting go and walking away from my father was the easiest and most freeing decision I ever made. He never abused me physically (but close). He was (sort of) around for my entire childhood. He (kinda) did stuff dads are supposed to do. He also did some other things. Things that I wanted NO PART OF. He was an incredibly negative person, the kind of person that is so stressful to be around that it requires a couple days' worth of sleep just to get over. In retrospect, I believe he was probably an antisocial personality. And I certainly did NOT want him around my children. So, I walked away. I walked away 17 years ago and have never looked back. Honestly, I wouldn't spit on him if he was dying of thirst. It was really that easy.
There is a difference between accepting someone the way they are, with all their faults, and allowing someone to be a part of your life who does nothing but damage your soul.
Just make sure that whoever you allow to be part of your life deserves to be there.
That sucks. I don't know how it is, but my Grandma was a deny and avoid type handler when my mom told her about the molestation. And having discussed in detail with my mom about the emotional issues that caused my mom I know it's hard. And something that will likely affect you for a very long time. But not necessarily in a negative way.
ReplyDeletelots of mental hugs and support coming from over here.
Rachel, many people have found your blog. Most of us have decided to be supportive of you. We have been here to walk by your side as you need it. If you have taken 3 steps back, we are here reaching back to pull you back up again.
ReplyDeleteAimee,
ReplyDeleteYou make a really good point. And you're right, I wasn't raised to believe that. We taught that our parents deserved respect because they were our parents.
The problem with that is when parents don't behave in a way that demands respect. I think it goes along with the Bible verse that says women should submit to their husbands. This doesn't work if the husband doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. They are in turn commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
So when we are told that we are to love and honor our parents, they should hold up their end of the deal as well.
You've given me something to think about!
Thanks Teresa! I appreciate your perspective, because it seems like it would be a little more objective than someone in the same situation, know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support. :-)
Jeremy, Thank you so much. Knowing that people like you have "got my back" is invaluable. :-)
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteA thought that might not be helpful now... you've mentioned that he was abusive to your sisters in other ways, you've been clear that he was abusive to you, it leaves me with a strong wondering if he was abusive to your mom as well. The problem being that abusive spousal relationships are insidious, and for myriad reasons the abused person doesn't recognize/realize they're a victim.
If that's the case, and your mom can't even admit she herself was abused, that could well be the reason she chose not to know that you were. I say "chose not to know" because it's easy to ignore the first inklings of suspicion if you don't want something to be true.
I am not defending your mom. No matter what her reasons were while it was going on, I can't excuse here total self-centeredness now... and I haven't met her, don't know her, and certainly didn't see what was going on so I could be totally off-base. But if it's a reasonable explanation, it might help you forgive her for your own sake, eventually. Maybe?
*HUGS* again.
Yes, Kari, you're absolutely right that he was abusive to her as well. From what I saw, she was verbally and emotionally abused. Badly.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem is, she is actually very comfortable in the victim role, perhaps because it is what she is used to. During the court case, she felt free to behave like she was the victim because "I had Aaron to lean on". But you are right that her being abused definitely plays a part in this.
Also, I'm confident forgiveness will come...in time.
Thanks Kari. :-)