Inner Work Update

I have not done a very good job lately on writing about all the Inner Work I've been doing. I work on it nearly weekly. Sometimes my progress seems significant, but usually it takes a few sessions to have much to write about. On the other hand, I could probably write in more detail if I wrote about each one. Regardless, it's time to catch up with what I'm working on now.

A few weeks ago, I found Dad down the stairs from my safe place. Eventually, I had to go back. When I returned, the door to his cell was open. I peeked inside and was startled to discover that it was empty. I was feeling nervous and very uncomfortable knowing he wasn't locked up where I left him. I backed away slowly. I reached behind me for the doorknob to the exit. Suddenly, he was behind me. He had his penis out and placed it into my hand. I turn around and stepped back in slow motion. 

I could move, but I couldn't scream. I couldn't talk, whisper or shout. I had gone mute. I started to panic and looked around for a way out. My heart was beating faster and faster, and the air was growing thick around me. I looked up and he was back in his cell again. I tried to figure out how to lock him in more permanently this time. I didn't want any more surprises. There was already a padlock on the door, so I added a second one. It was a feeble attempt at security, but I didn't know what else to do. Regardless of how well he was locked up, I knew I was going to have to face him again.

It became clear to me at this time that I was going to have to find a way to defeat him in my mind. Even though in reality I had him locked up, in my mind I am still vulnerable to him. He still frightens me. So I needed a plan.

This is war. And we will win on all fronts.

I've decided to create the "Army of Me".  I am summoning all the younger versions of myself, to face him together. Today, I spoke with the 17 year old, the 19 year old, the 11 year old, and briefly the 12 year old, although I suspect she still feels afraid and ashamed after being told she was acting seductively. My Actual Self summoned them with a horn. She looked larger than life today and very powerful. I thought about how she would be a great commander of my army. As she spoke to them, I suddenly remembered that my Actual Self was just that - she was me! I was powerful! I could command my own army! I took over and told my "selves" how much strength I was drawing for them, and the we were powerful together. Together we could defeat him, for each other. Before I left, I asked them to spread the word to the other selves. We will be meeting again before we will move forward in our victory.

VERY empowering song for me:

"I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross too bare
But I will get there

It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the front line when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that’s the price

Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah"

Rachel

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