*Squish*

A couple days ago, I did some more inner work in therapy. I knew the time was going to come when I would need to face Dad again in therapy so that was the plan for this particular day.

I had some trouble getting to my "happy place" this time, perhaps because it had been a while. My mind kept wandering to other topics, but eventually I was able to reel it in. When I finally arrived, my actual self was there, and I immediately called upon the "army of me" - all the representations of myself at different times in my life. I led them on to the  area below my safe place. We walked down the stairs and through the doors to the main hallway.

As soon as we entered, Dad was standing in front of us in a green plaid shirt and blue jeans with his penis exposed. Immediately, the eyes of all the other me's clamped shut with something resembling cast-iron eyelids. Have you ever seen an old baby doll, where here eyelids aren't really attached, but slid back over their eyeball? It was very similar to that, but heavy and almost mechanical. I needed to find a way to protect them but keep them with me, and so this is what I came up with.

As I stood there, trying to decide the best course of action, I heard my therapist say something about deflating him with a pin as an option if he seemed to be looming over me, larger than life. So I did, but he came right back after that, although this time with his pants zipped.

I looked at him and started to get upset. I told him that I, and those with me, deserved better than the way he treated us. I told that I didn't care what he had been through in his past. If he had been hurt, he should know how it feels. As I was yelling at him, I realized I was growing larger. I grew to gigantic proportions, until I was looming over him so far that he looked the size of a cockroach. I looked down at him and stomped down on him. He was completely squished. All that remained was a black blob and green guts.

I herded my little army back up the stairs and to my happy place. I reassured them that I would be back. I don't think I'm done with him yet. Even though I destroyed him, it felt very anti-climatic. Besides, they do say cockroaches are near impossible to kill. At the same time, it's the closest I've gotten to a physical confrontation, so it's still progress!

Rachel

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