Abuse in Families

Abuse can truly tear a family apart. There is so much secrecy, a need to blame, denial, frustration, etc. I can only personally speak from my specific experience, but I do know it is not uncommon at all. 

Sisters on a family vacation

Children has a natural desire to have a stable family unit, with two parents. This is often used against them by their perpetrator. They are told that something bad will happen to someone in their family, or perhaps that they will never see them again. I was warned that if I disclosed the abuse, my "dad" would go to prison. As twisted as it sounds, I didn't want that to happen at the time. I had a stay-at-home mom and four little sisters. The bills were rarely paid as it was. We always knew our parents were on the brink of divorce. They fought about religion, money, what to watch on TV and it only got worse as his paranoia grew. I vividly remember being the kitchen, preparing dinner with mom. My step-dad looked into the kitchen, and asked what I whispered to Mom. Neither one of us had said a word. He was sure we were discussing him and flew into a rage. Fights could start from his delusions. Whenever Mom would try to talk about her frustrations with me at the time, I would do my best to play the peace-maker. She walked out on more than one occasion, leaving her children wondering when and if she would return, and sending me into a deep panic. If I was being abused at that level when she was around, what would happen if she left? I felt like it was my responsibility to maintain my family. When I was working part-time as a high school student, all my money went to the family, and most of it was spent on beer and cigarettes. I had my own chores to do, as did my sisters. When mom was having a lot of back pain, she would spend most of her time in bed. I would then be responsible for making dinner for the family, and for looking after my younger sisters. In many ways, it was as if I had replaced her. I was taking care of her family, and her husband's sexual needs. I did what I had to do to maintain our family unit.

Denial. That's a tough one. I was abused for years. In a small house, with a lot of people. Most of those people were even younger than I, so they would not be able to recognize signs of sexual abuse, and even if they did, would not know what to do about it, and shouldn't have to. But one of these people was my mom. She was the adult who chose to be a stay-at-home. This means her primary job was to take care of us. I can easily see how she would not have been aware of any sexual abuse in the beginning. However, as things progressed, there were many signs, and it was fairly obvious. Even some of my sisters have testified that they were aware that something wasn't right. If she truly didn't see anything, it was a choice because she didn't want to. I'm not trying to be cruel. I understand that she was in an abusive relationship as well, and was dependent on her husband to provide for her and her five children at home. But it came with so many sacrifices. Not only were we all suffering, she was punished in one way or another anytime she attempted to have a relationship with her son from her first marriage. He and my step-father did not like each other. My brother could see that he was no good from the time he was young, and so he went to live with his own father when he was 14(?). I know life isn't fair, but I can't help feeling like it wasn't fair that I had to sacrifice so much. Clearly it's possible to survive without him, even if it is difficult. One of the interesting things about denial, is that it only takes one person to affect the others. I was in denial that I was upset with my mom. I wasn't able to deal with things in a timely manner, which gave the impression that everything was ok. If someone doesn't know there is a problem, that can't really fix it. If the parent is in denial, the children are all at a loss and frustrated. If one child is in denial, it hurts the victim.

Blame. In any kind of disaster or crisis, be it big or small, people had a natural tendency to find someone to blame for it. Hurricane Kartrina was a natural disaster, but people needed a person to be angry at so they chose President Bush. The economy hasn't recovered since President Obama has been in office, so clearly he must shoulder the blame.  I lost my car in Chicago, and the police wouldn't help me, so it's their fault it was lost for two days. You get the idea. In cases of abuse, it is not so obvious, but I believe the blame is still there on some level. I put my abuser in prison. It is his fault. The end? Unfortunately, there is more to it than that. I blame my mom on some level for not protecting me. For staying married to him for so long. For not dealing with the aftermath. For assuming the victim role because, according to her, I had Aaron to lean on, so I didn't need her. My family isn't doing well since all of this, and I feel like I am blamed for it in one way or another. No one would ever say something like that, and those that do it, probably don't realize they are doing it. I don't think they are being cruel or anything like that, but I do think it is important to pay attention to the messages we are sending each other. I know I'm not doing a perfect job of it. I'll be the first to admit that. Right now, I am talking to my mom. The only thing she has to do to change that is to seek therapy for herself. Is it the right thing to do? Right now, it feels like it, but only time will tell.

I had an interesting conversation today with someone with a similar family situation. Her older half-sister was sexually abused by her father. She explained to me her perspective, and how difficult it was for her to even think that the man that gave her life would do something like that. She couldn't understand some of her half-sister's actions or her anger. Granted, it wasn't the exact same situation, it was helpful for me to hear her insight, and has given me something to think about. As I've mentioned before, one of my sisters still does not believe the abuse ever happened (unless something has changed). It is a little easier to understand hearing my talk about her feelings. Maybe if we could talk to each other without feeling responsible for each other's feelings, we could actually discuss these kinds of things.

Generally, I think everyone in my family is hurting, and we don't know how to function as a family unit. I guess we're the definition of a dysfunctional family.

Thanks for reading. I just kind of went on and on, so I hope some of this makes sense!

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